I'm sick of this

I am so tired of hearing that something is wrong with me that I have a problem. It's funny how I am fine and no one else says I got a problem yet I come home you say I do. Ever think maybe it;s you? Maybe how you are acting is how I am acting, that I am responding how you are responding to me? Think about it. I am fine but when you say that I am not over and over again yeah I'm not going to be and when you walk away and say forget it, it makes me so fucking angry! You tell me not to do it but you do it over and over again! It's bullshit and if you're going to get mad at me for writing this than that is even more ridiculous. You won't listen to me or believe so one question do you now? or are you just too mad. either way I guess forget it right?

Testing you

I know it has been months since I have written so if you read this than I guess I'll know you are a true fan and I am sorry for not writing. Life has been rough, has had it shares of downs and ups. I am fighting to go back to school, financially I can't afford it but I'm trying. I am not giving up I have gotten way too far to give up. I won't lie if it wasn't for Dee's mom shit I don't know what I would do.
But anyways I had drama with my mom and Dad yes my dad. Truth is he was paying child support and my mom was getting money. I was not so it caused a fight I found out a lot of things that bothered me and still do. Things are not the same for me with anyone anymore really. I am changing I can tell and I am seeing things with new eyes, sort of speak. Anyways...
Dee is getting another job at the Motel 6. I just applied for another job. I know it's crazy 2 jobs and school? Well I always worked better under pressure lol So here go!!!
If you read this comment so I know you did and I will discuss things more in depth.... oooh I know people.... You yes YOU tell me a topic you would like for me to discuss. :) I'll pick the one that is most interesting and appealing to write :)

Have you wondered why you are ok?

Things are so ridiculously tight money wise that I was sitting here wondering why am I ok? Why aren't I freaking out like normal? Why am I not so stressed that I want to pull my hair out? Well I think it's finally rubbing off onto me, Dee's calmness her live in the moment and just deal with it thing. See when you realize hey this is the boat we are in and it sure as hell ain't changing, what do you do? Deal. Make it work some how don't stop trying. Currently I am trying to get a second job I may have one but I'm not sure, it'll be once a week which is ok because I can still do it when school comes along which will make up for the income I wouldn't have had if I wasn't working there. Money might be tight but it is bearable. I have court coming up next week as a matter fact to fight a B.S. speeding ticket, I am a little nervous which is funny since I want to be in the courts but not the one under questioning. But anyway Dee is coming with me which makes me feel better because I don't want to go alone. Oh, so I forgot this morning she was great, I had to wake up and take special medicines and drink a lot of water. Well I over slept but she woke me up and woke up with me she didn't have to but she did and she made sure I followed proper procedure and all. See those little things matter her waking up with me when she doesn't have to. Her going to court with me when again she doesn't have to, sure she could stay home sleep in and do nothing but she is willing to wake up early to go with me or to help me. Now that is love :)

Lets talk about sex...

So as you probably know we have had issues about sex, but not at all last night. See if you let things happen they will just happen; we were hanging out with some of her friends before going downstairs to just hang out and relax. We looked at the time and were surprised to see it was only 11pm we both thought it was a lot later. So we were happy because this meant more time together and possibly (boom boom) yup we call sex boom boom. Anyways, we were watching some t.v. and cuddling and I started to wrap my arm around her pulling her closer into me. I began to slowly slide my hand along her side and under her shorts and than started to slide further down when all of sudden she grabs my hand to stop me. I looked at her with a what is wrong with you look and she said "I'm not sure I can return the favor." "Why? It's still early for us" "Yeah, but you suck the life out of me." I couldn't help but smile because as much as it would suck not to get it I still enjoy satisfying her. So I said it's okay and continued to seduce her anyway.
Now I'm not going to get into extreme detail due to the fact I don't want Dee to be mad and two because I don't feel comfortable with it either. So to sum it up for you it was very good for her, so good I thought I wasn't going to get any. So I kissed her slowly down her inner thigh, sat up and layed down next to her. Then she began to put moves on me and before you know it was on!
Now I am like a teenage boy I won't lie or be ashamed of it, sometimes I just get so excited I guess you could say that I get too excited too soon. Now sometimes she would be like okay I guess we're done. But I really want more because I do want her, but last night was AMAZING! Like lets see 2 times and the OH! 1. I was shocked that one she lasted for as long as she did because it was like bam and then a little while later bam bam and then the OHHH... So it's a good day!! :)
Last night was amazing not just because of the sex because sex is something sacred and people should take it more seriously. Sex has major consequences and yes it does have its perks but you still have to be careful. When you are with that special someone sex is always great because every time you are having "sex" you are really making love. Which is a beautiful thing and I will cherish forever...

same sex relationships does not mean its easier

Okay let me clear up a huge misconception same sex relationships are not easier!I don't think they are harder or easier, relationships first of all are not based on sex it's based on the individuals put together. For example two women being together could get scary if both women are PMSing which we are! So that explains the ridiculous nit picking and fighting, let me give a recommendation; RUN TO THE STORE!!! Get ice cream, chips, and chocolate stat! These things may come in handy because if one or both of you (lesbian couples)are pmsing trust me you are going to be glad you are prepared.
On the other hand it does help that we are the same sex because we understand why we may be acting a certain way (pmsing) but like most relationships gay or straight one of the two always asks: "Are you pmsing or something?" Ooooh does that really chap your bottom! And of course you give the death glare and say no than look away. Now we all know the truth you are pmsing but you are pissed someone called you out on it. So you try to play it off like it is something else that is bothering so you pick on them for something. No matter how old or mature we may get we all resort to the six year old defense at times; quick to point fingers back and tattle tale. Right? Come on we all have. Then there are those moments were you want to just smother them with hugs and kisses for example; I had asked Dee to please do some laundry by the time I got home I just wanted a clean pair of shorts. What does she do? She makes sure that I had a pair of shorts and one of my favorite comfy ones and layed them out for me. When I got home I was not expecting for them to even be clean but there they were layed out for me. I changed and I lay next to her in bed and she was like "I remembered to wash your shorts." "I saw you even layed them out for me." Then sealed with a kiss and night of cuddling. It is the simple things that matter the most, it is the moments we all need to hold on to forever.
Just remember ALL I repeat ALL relationships take time and understanding from both people involved. They take patients, love and kindness; but remember to always choose your words wisely because you never want to say something you regret. You know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt? Who ever came up with that all I can is what in the hell were you on?! Words can hurt you just as bad as a stick or a stone, shit we sometimes wish it were a stick or stone rather than what the person said. Like my friend Becca said don't go to bed mas at each other; trust me 1. you are going to sleep like crap and 2. morning is sure going to be awkward. ahhaha

We all need to change...

Yesterday I was off from work and was spending the day with my lady.... Well that was how it was supposed to go that is. It ended up being a day of us fighting and not getting along, so I basically stayed downstairs folding our mountain of laundry and cleaning up. But see when I am frustrated I sort of clean a bunch of spots at once sometimes I finish a spot and continue but not yesterday. I was so overwhelmed with emotions; see right now money is so damn tight we have been living off of what ever we have left from when we have gone shopping before and things like that. Than on top of the lack of money I was negative in my bank account, Dee still hadn't heard anything from her job and me? I still hadn't heard from my second job. I also am PMSing on top of it this time thought mean I am a little crabby but very emotional, so I knew my breakdown was beckoning to come through but I tried to ignore it of course. I do not enjoy crying nor do I like it when people see me cry at all, well I ended up balling my eyes out.
See when Dee and I first started date sex and love was what it was meant to be fun,romantic and spontaneous; well then life sort of threw us both a curve ball and we had the most screwed up schedules for work. This put bit of a damper on our sex life and time together in general. Now I am a pretty vocal person at times, I don't always voice what is bothering and when I do I usually explode. Which was yesterday to the max! I was ranting and raving on the inside, I was mad,hurt, and sad. I never said much until I couldn't take it anymore. I don't know how things got so bad, have you ever been there? Ever sat there and gone wow how did it get so bad? Why are we where we are right now? Well that was last night that was us.Everything was being taken the wrong way and too personally; which is bad for someone like me being all emotional. I couldn't stand us being mad at each other so I decided I will end it we will kiss and make up!
Well I thought it was going to go that way and it almost did BUT not exactly. Our reoccurring problem is how I seem to want sex on a regular basis we fight about how I seem to care too much about it and that a relationship is more than that. Which I clearly know and it's not how she means it; what she means is don't be a dick when I haven't gotten it and I need to approach her differently about it. I agree I do, I can come off way too well rude about it because I'll complain and say how she gets it all the time and if I don't get it once a week at least I generally start to complain. Well when we started working crazy shifts we would literally have to schedule when we could make time to make love. Sounds shitty huh? romance is sucked right out of it. Well anyways, now things are different we don't need to schedule; things are better so why are we still acting like it was before? Why are we still sucking out the romance? It doesn't have to stay that way. We have fought so much about this and for what? It took me so long to realize that the problem was; that we were living in what we had structured to fit our hectic lives, but now it's not like that anymore. So I said we need to stop stressing ourselves out about really nothing; we need to let things happen not try to control things.
I guess when time goes on you get used to how things were but after a while it may not work. Take a step back and look at how things are do not look at who is to blame but what is the problem not who is. Once you look at the ENTIRE picture things become a lot clearer. Needless to say I think this argument will stop or at least happen a lot less. Even though things are still pretty difficult money wise, overall things are slowly getting better! Dee got her first client today so I'm happy for her because now she is starting her job and I will possibly be doing a job on Wed. for 10 an hour. We are in the process of looking for a place to move into as well with our friends. So time will tell.
Sorry if this blog seems kinda empty; work is hectic today literally has taken almost my entire shift to even get this far, so again sorry if it seems sort of random or spacey. Overall have a goodnight.

Oh don't we love drama...

It is inevitable that there is always going to be drama in our everyday lives, whether we like it or not. There's always going to be gossip whether we realize we are doing it or not. And of course there are bound to be arguments or fights between couples, but it is up to the individuals involved to decide how they are going to react or deal with the problems at that time.
Our most recent fight was about a week ago, we were crabby at each other for a couple of days. I was primarily the more aggravated one because at the time DeeAnna was unemployed, and I was the only one working. Now I had saved money in my saving account which slowly was dwindling away to pay for things and at times I had used it because hey I had the money and either I or she wanted something and I figured hey why not? Well those hey why nots slowly added up and I was also using that money to help us get by. Well I was getting frustrated because I felt a little under appreciated because I was the only one working and all she had to was cook and clean and things like that. I know it sounds 1950's but I thought it was fair, well I was getting annoyed dinner would come so late on my shift or the bedroom at times looked like it was barely picked up and on top of it I was sexually frustrated. All of those things are a recipe for a crab ass a.k.a me.
I was not the loving person I usually am with her I flat out asked her what do we have in common? she replied shocked and hurt I asked that. She asked "Why? What are you getting at? Are you trying to leave me?" I wasn't I don't know what I was hoping to gain by asking that question so I simply said "No, but answer the question." She just looked at me because we do but don't have a lot in common but that works for us, we see things differently which for me is good because she helps me out a lot with stress and things like that. But I continued to keep this tough attitude and demeanor with her, and further pressed on about how I was so frustrated with everything I basically reached the breaking point my feelings. I told her I was frustrated with how I keep asking her to do things and it takes days until it's done or how things are still dirty and I can't do everything! But wait... did I ever consider what she does do? Did I ever think about what I don't do? Nope. This would make me look even worse in about 1 minute. So I said "look I don't want to talk anymore OK? And I know you don't I'm just going to leave" I looked at her and I saw her eyes swelling with tears and boom I snapped out of it "What's wrong? why are you about to cry?" "You're just going to leave. Where are you going?" I replied unsure of leaving now, "I don't know...out. Just out driving somewhere, anywhere." I started to go upstairs but I took one last look and returned towards her.
I sat on the arm of the couch swinging my legs and rubbing the back of my neck, "Look..(an exasperated sigh)we need to talk.Clearly we are having a fight about stupid shit." She looked at me with tears in her eyes, "Okay. What is there to say Vic? You said it all didn't you?" Now I hate that, where I said everything there is to say crap! No I didn't because I never looked at her side just mine. I don't know what she is thinking or 100% feeling, so come on! "You know that's not true Dee, I don't know your feelings exactly....so tell me. Please?"
I was watching her sitting on our bed sad crying and knowing that she was afraid of losing me, I have told her many times before I'm not going anywhere. I'm not and I have no desire to, we are just hitting a rough patch is all. Basically she was telling me how I take her for granted that she does do things and every time I'm at work she makes and brings me my dinner. Which she's right; I do take it for granted, she takes the time to cook it, pack it into a container and than drive to my work to drop it off. Than she goes home and eats and cleans up or does whatever her mother says as well. So not only does she listen to me bitch and complain she gets it from her mom. Yes, I was realizing I was taking her for granted and that I needed to be more appreciative as well. I did apologize and we were OK. I remember sitting with her on the edge of our bed and her still looking at me with those sad puppy dog eyes with hurt and fear in them. I kissed her on top of her head and said, "I'm really not going anywhere, I'm sorry about not appreciating you enough and I'll try harder not to take you for granted." "Yeah, but people can only handle so much and I'm so afraid of losing you-" "DeeAnna... I-Love-You. You need to believe me when I say I am not going anywhere." She smiled and I smiled and we kissed, finally kissed after an entire day of not a single kiss. Then we layed down and held each other tight, I kept telling her I love you and I'm not going anywhere."
So what is to be gained by this? Maybe it was a silly fight, but it easily could have turned for the worst. We are perfectly fine now of course and like I said then....it is just a rough patch. Couples can work through them usually it just depends again on the individuals involved. If you cannot imagine losing them because you wouldn't only be losing a lover but your best friend than try. If you cannot imagine living a life without them by your side; than try. People don't be so quick to give up; I know that in this day and age we expect everything to happen so quickly, but love is not something quick and over with. Love lasts, it grows with you and your significant other; so let love grow and try to make things better when they seem wrong and most of all don't give up. AND no matter what remember appreciate each other it's the little things that matter to the both of you, don't take them for granted.